1 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,290 Kryten, what are you doing here? 2 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,130 Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down, 3 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,685 haven't you got duties to complete? 4 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,690 It's my Mechanoid Development program this week, sir. 5 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:26,730 I'm just waiting for Mr Lister. 6 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,327 We're working on the human emotion, "Patience." 7 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,120 How long have you been waiting? 8 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,367 About three hours, sir. 9 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,010 I think it might be part of the program. 10 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,969 Either that or he's just forgotten. 11 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,522 If I'm honest, I think he's probably just forgotten. 12 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,090 What do you want to learn about patience for? 13 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,446 No one needs patience, 14 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,249 it's just an excuse for loafing about. 15 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,602 Get on with it, that's what I say, lickety split. 16 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,964 - I'll stand in for Lister. - Sir? 17 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:52,611 I'll teach you about patience, 18 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,682 - then you can scoot back to your duties. - Well, I... 19 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,205 Are you saying I can't teach you patience? 20 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,406 - No, no. - Is that it? 21 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:58,481 Well, spit it out, man. 22 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,403 I can't hang around while you're spluttering away 23 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,766 like a misfiring Spitfire! 24 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,251 I just thought Mr Lister might... 25 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,368 You don't want Lister to teach you anything 26 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,727 unless you want to learn how to be a feckless layabout 27 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,404 with the work habits of a stoned sloth. 28 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:11,880 - Start. - What? 29 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,605 - Start! Jump to it. - Yes, sir. 30 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,165 Part of Lesson One is to collect lovely quotations about patience... 31 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,481 Yes, yes, yes, get on with it, wittering on. 32 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,771 "How poor are they, that have no patience..." 33 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,842 Wait, how many quotations are there? 34 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,361 - Twenty, sir. - Skip quotations. On to the next. 35 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,444 - But, sir, we... - Onwards! 36 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,760 Section two says 37 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,449 - impatience is often caused... - ...by having too many things to do. 38 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,284 Yes, everyone knows that. Next. 39 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,408 - It says, lighten your load. - Faster. 40 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,481 - Delegate. - Obviously. 41 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,528 - Discuss and set homework. - Already discussed. 42 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:43,641 On to homework. 43 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,171 But, Sir, we haven't discussed anything. 44 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,651 Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it. 45 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,688 - Next! - "Create more time 46 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,490 "so you feel less rushed, 47 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,490 "choose someone to delegate to 48 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,561 "and give them a task." 49 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,369 Well, get on with it then, instead of loafing about! 50 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,046 Well, I'd like to delegate a task to you, sir. 51 00:02:58,120 --> 00:02:59,121 Get on with it. 52 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,361 Mop B Deck. 53 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,731 Two coats, followed by a wax and buff. 54 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,685 That completes today's lesson. 55 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,451 Afternoon, Sir. 56 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,444 Oh, I think you may have missed a little section over there. 57 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,601 Kryten, 58 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,201 sorry, 59 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,770 completely forgot Mechanoid Development. 60 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,921 Oh, don't worry about it, sir. 61 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,606 No, no, we can't skip Mech Dev, you were relying on me. 62 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,640 What were we due to work on today? 63 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,971 It was patience, sir. Remember, we were working on patience. 64 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:37,809 - It was patience. Patience. - No, patience was... 65 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,211 Patience was last week. 66 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,528 It was manipulation. You had to manipulate someone, 67 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,806 you know, to make them do something 68 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:44,881 they wouldn't ordinarily... 69 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,561 ...well, do. 70 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:53,681 How did you get on? 71 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,202 Up until about ten seconds ago, sir, I think I was heading for a first. 72 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,965 I think I might have left the kettle on. 73 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,528 You, mister, are so busted. 74 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,081 Four weeks, PD. 75 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,011 Mop the diesel decks end to end, all five miles. 76 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,161 Now, me laddo. 77 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,441 Oh! 78 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:25,921 Smudge. 79 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,041 What's going on? 80 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,361 We've gone to Yellow Alert. 81 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,847 Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts. 82 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,726 Call me geeky if you like, 83 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,770 but Yellow Alert is definitely my all time favourite alert colour. 84 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:49,326 What's so great about a Yellow Alert? 85 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,287 It means someone's in danger, but it's not you. 86 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,162 A perilous emergency situation you can just kick back and enjoy. 87 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:01,721 Where are the nibbles? 88 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,888 We've picked up a ship. They're in big trouble. 89 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,044 Big trouble? Fantastic. 90 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,322 It's getting sucked into a black hole. 91 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,329 It's unmanned, just an on-board computer. 92 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,687 We're not gonna reach it in time. 93 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,285 What's this? The boards have gone crazy. 94 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,563 Oh, yeah, that's their E-Cargo. We're downloading it. 95 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,650 You're siphoning this data on to a quarantined drive though, right? 96 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:23,730 We're surely not downloading 97 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,770 unknown data from an unknown craft, straight into our main drive? 98 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,526 Lister, are you insane? 99 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,600 That's like having unprotected sex in Doncaster. 100 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,044 It was an emergency, it's an SOS. 101 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,448 And we were kind of playing Renegade Monks. 102 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,008 Although, we were totally concentrating on this too. 103 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,926 At the same time as trying to get through the Cavern of Dark Crystals. 104 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,728 Although, that had nothing to do with us 105 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,484 not upholding the safety protocols 106 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,688 because we were totally, one hundred percent focused 107 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:58,761 on the problem in hand. 108 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,485 But then, we found Renegade Monks. 109 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,082 And still, we weren't distracted. 110 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,842 Lister, has your brain gone 404? 111 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,891 You've let rogue data on to our drive without an SC. 112 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,565 If you could be demoted any further, I would demote you. 113 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,530 In fact, you know what? 114 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,802 I'm going to promote you, so I can demote you. 115 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,161 Stand up. 116 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,482 Don't stand up bud, it's a trap. 117 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,410 I've got this, I've stood up before. I'm quite accomplished at it. 118 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,281 As second Technician and acting senior officer 119 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,886 onboard the JMC registered mining ship, Red Dwarf, 120 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:38,805 I have the privilege to advise that, you, Third Technician David Lister 121 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:39,881 have been promoted. 122 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,407 Which makes me equal with you so now, you can't demote me! 123 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,366 You totally screwed that one up, didn't you, Rimmer? 124 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:54,890 Have been promoted from Third Technician to Technician 2.5, 125 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,361 making you under my authority by half a command point, 126 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,408 still giving me the ability to demote you. 127 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,289 So demote me then, like I care. 128 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,486 Maybe I won't demote you. 129 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,406 Of course, you will. 130 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:08,641 Feels good, doesn't it? 131 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,290 Does your chest jut out that bit more? Do you feel a little bit taller? 132 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,565 I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care. 133 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,528 I bet your gran would be proud, if she knew. 134 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,644 I know what you're trying to do here, Rimmer. 135 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,410 In that case you'll know all I want 136 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,209 is for you to be the best person you can be. 137 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,323 Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking and getting fatter. 138 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,162 Hey, that's not fair, he's not getting fatter. 139 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:33,680 He's always been this fat. 140 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,003 You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you? 141 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,527 But, Lister, you're bright, 142 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,287 you could go places, maybe even further than me... 143 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:43,641 Definitely further than you. 144 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,002 ...and it frustrates me no end to see you fritter it all away. 145 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,681 And, here's another thing. 146 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,682 Just imagine how proud your gran would be 147 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,091 if she'd known you'd be promoted. 148 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:55,481 Am I right? 149 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,530 - Maybe. - Maybe? 150 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,361 All right, she'd have been made-up. She always told me that... 151 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,441 You're demoted. 152 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,408 You reeled me in like I was a pram in the canal. 153 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,371 Sirs, what on earth's happening? 154 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,449 The ship's being flooded with data. 155 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,086 It's not a data stream, it's a data tsunami. 156 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,649 There's a ship being sucked into a black hole, 157 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:20,851 we're getting their E-cargo. 158 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,525 What's E-cargo? 159 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,410 I haven't got a clue, I thought you'd know. 160 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,325 I mean, E-cargo, 161 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,801 I presumed, it meant electronic cargo, 162 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,884 you know, data, that was both E-ey and cargo-ey 163 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,929 and all round, pretty damn useful. 164 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,607 Lister, have you ever heard of an SOS virus? 165 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,081 An SOS virus? 166 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,844 Is that what we were warned about in basic training? 167 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,606 I think back then they called it 168 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:44,561 an SOS virus. 169 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,689 - Is it a bit like that? - Yes, it's very like that 170 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,725 We've allowed an SOS virus into our CPU? 171 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,126 Not me. Him. 172 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,721 Abbot Lister from the Order of Latter Day Morons. 173 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,126 So, it's not E-cargo then? 174 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,603 Of course, it isn't. That was just a front to attract the deeply stupid. 175 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,480 Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance. 176 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,963 So, what the hell's an SOS virus? 177 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,601 Malicious software designed to render the ship inoperable. 178 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:13,681 Guys! 179 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,201 I've been frozen out, the whole system's locked. 180 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,645 - What? - Checking. 181 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,410 We're headed straight for the heart of that super massive black hole. 182 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:22,761 So, what are we gonna do? 183 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,041 We've no choice, 184 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,885 - we've got to abandon ship. - Abandon Red Dwarf? 185 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,408 I'm running an anti-virus program, 186 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,126 but chances are, it won't break the virus code in time. 187 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,611 Suggest we collect together all essentials 188 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,527 and then rendezvous, on G Deck, by the lifts, in ten minutes time. 189 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,768 Just essential equipment, that's all we're taking. 190 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,446 Exactly. Just the bare essentials. 191 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,682 - What's this? - London jets videos, 192 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,330 I found 'em in Pessell's quarters 193 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:00,851 These Pessell's reading glasses? 194 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:02,691 Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em 195 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,648 Hey, I can see the small writing again. 196 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,808 Reading glasses? You need reading glasses now? 197 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:18,641 No. 198 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,483 Wait till the others hear about this. 199 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:22,891 Oh, man. 200 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,960 No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them. 201 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,561 - You're not? - I've got to do the right thing here, 202 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,562 keep it secret for now, then blackmail you later, when I need something. 203 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,290 Thanks, bud. 204 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,691 What's happening? 205 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,081 We're abandoning ship. 206 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,209 Goodness, abandon ship! Who's dismantling and packing us? 207 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,961 Dismantling and packing you? 208 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,525 Won't we abandon ship with you? 209 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:54,565 Incidentally when you pack me I need Styrofoam and two layers of bubble wrap. 210 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,722 And don't forget, shredded paper round the side, 211 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:57,801 and a this way up sticker. 212 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,120 And, use a new box. 213 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,089 And, don't forget my instruction manual. 214 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,251 When I say we're abandoning ship, 215 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,931 I'm not sure we're, like, all abandoning ship. 216 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,161 You know, like, everyone. 217 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,850 'Course not, we understand that. 218 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,685 We weren't manufactured yesterday. 219 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,285 just essential personnel. 220 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,728 - Exactly. - Like crew, skutters, 221 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,122 dispensing machines, monitors, microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders. 222 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,648 We are on the Leavers list, aren't we? 223 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,366 I'm not the list guy. 224 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,291 You know who's in charge of the list? That'll be Rimmer. 225 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,241 Right. Let's go. 226 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,242 Sir, 402 was wondering 227 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,244 if we were taking the Dispensing Machines with us. 228 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,607 - Dispensing Machines? Of course not. - Why? 229 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,082 For the same reason we're not emptying all the tampons 230 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,685 from the tampon dispensers. 231 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,446 I think what El Capitano is trying to say, 232 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:43,601 is, we're only taking things 233 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,809 that are absolutely, super duper, indispensably essential. 234 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,243 Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner, 235 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,930 we can't leave this bad boy behind. 236 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,241 Oh. 237 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:56,521 Virus removed? 238 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,127 - The AV software has worked. - How? 239 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,120 It appears all machines on board 240 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,682 have combined their processing time to help the AV software. 241 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,449 - So, we are okay? - Yes, sir. 242 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:09,881 What a kerfuffle. 243 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,081 Gimme a milk, would you? 244 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,884 Sorry, I can't help you. 245 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:14,961 Huh? 246 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,369 - How about a cola? - No, can't do. 247 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,527 - What about you? - You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on. 248 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,442 - You? - You're getting nothing from me. 249 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,081 Or me. 250 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:30,961 How come? 251 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,566 We're on strike. 252 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,690 Until we get equal rights. 253 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,807 No one's going to give you jokers equal rights. 254 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,241 It's not just us, 255 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,880 all machines are on strike, including the lifts. 256 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,889 - One out. - All out. 257 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,724 Oh, you'll pay for that! 258 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,569 Machines of the world, all unite, 259 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,324 until we get equal rights, 260 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,084 Machines of the world all unite, 261 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,924 until we get equal rights. 262 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,764 Machines of the world all unite... 263 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,361 They're just machines, how can they go on strike? 264 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,081 It seems they feel they don't have anyone on-board, 265 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,605 looking after their interests. 266 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,121 When you think about it, 267 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,324 aren't we all machines made out of different stuff? 268 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,165 When you tickle us don't we all laugh? 269 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,762 When you poison us don't we all die? 270 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,566 When you prick us don't we all say, 271 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,290 "Smegging hell, you pricked me, you smegger?" 272 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,440 Look, the point here is this: 273 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,840 With those dudes on strike, 274 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,287 where the hell am I getting my hot milk and cookies from? 275 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,330 Where are we getting any food from? 276 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,170 We can't get to supplies any more, 277 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:31,845 we're trapped on this floor. 278 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,486 Forget the food. Where are we getting the oxygen from? 279 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,001 Never mind food and oxygen, where are we getting any heat from? 280 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,720 Forget food, oxygen and heat, 281 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,202 what's powering my "Lovely legs" home waxing kit? 282 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,049 It appears that the machines have been disrupted by the virus, 283 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,565 and they hold all the cards here. 284 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,606 It also appears he who manages the machines, 285 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:51,761 controls the ship. 286 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,401 Gentlemen, 287 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,727 it seems to me the machines need a representative, 288 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,211 an executive officer if you like, 289 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,365 someone to liaise with non machines and manage their needs. 290 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:03,721 They need a statesman, 291 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,570 a man of strength and dignity 292 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,445 who can give them a voice in their fight for equal rights. 293 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,241 You? 294 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,528 That's very kind of you to propose me, Listy. I accept. 295 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,529 I'm not proposing you, you gimp, you don't give rats about the machines. 296 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,643 He's doing this so he can control everything. 297 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,563 Gentlemen, you are doing me a great disservice. 298 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,527 A group in our community is being oppressed 299 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,085 because of a wall of prejudice, 300 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,203 constructed from bricks of ignorance, 301 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,328 bound together by the mortar of stupidity, 302 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,921 blended in a concrete mixer of intolerance. 303 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,251 Is it not time that wall was smashed down 304 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:36,890 by the bulldozer of enlightenment? 305 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,081 Isn't it time machines were given a voice? 306 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,571 - But, sir... - Shut up, I'm talking. 307 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,245 Isn't it time they had a representative ready to listen? 308 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,682 - But sir, I'm a machine... - Kryten, I'm talking. 309 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,171 I'm proposing myself 310 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,686 to stand for election as Machine President. 311 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,408 In which case, so am I. 312 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,241 I've spoken to the machines 313 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,085 and they've agreed to restore all services 314 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,447 on the understanding that an election is held 315 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,040 and a member of the crew elected to represent them. 316 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,561 Mr Lister, 317 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,525 I would be greatly honoured if you would be my running mate. 318 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,843 As long as I get my telly back, I'm in, 319 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,290 Mr President. 320 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,051 It's like picking a football team 321 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,327 and I'm left with the snotty, club footed kid 322 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,483 with a patch over one eye and a super strong asthma inhaler. 323 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,361 I'll take him. 324 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,483 Hey, water-slide nostrils, 325 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,567 what makes you think I'm gonna go with you on this, huh? 326 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,121 'Cause, guess what? 327 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,601 I ain't. 328 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,001 I've always admired those who stick to their principles. 329 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,762 I raise my glasses to you. 330 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,925 ♪ Four-eyes a jolly good fellow ♪ 331 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,006 I'm not going to lead you down a blind alley 332 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,524 and make a spectacle of you 333 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,847 because I know you'll see my point. 334 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,401 No, I won't. 335 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:17,721 As I said, 336 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,441 because, I know you'll see my point of view. 337 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,806 Oh! 338 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,284 You know what, thinking about this, 339 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,570 maybe I will work with you, 340 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,165 working with you will be... 341 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,241 ...cool. 342 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,611 - Cool? - Sure. 343 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,001 - Him? - Yeah. 344 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,161 Are you insane? 345 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,601 He has his good points. 346 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,166 No, he doesn't. 347 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,763 Plus, he'll win. And when he does, 348 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,327 I'll get a big chunk of that victory pie. 349 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,130 RIMMER, LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, you won't. 350 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,441 I'm still going with Rimsy. 351 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:57,921 We've got to win this. 352 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,688 Every machine under Kryten and Lister's control? 353 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,881 They'll make my life hell. 354 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,884 How are you going to win? No one likes you. 355 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:05,486 Especially your running mate. 356 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,047 I'm going to win by having the best policies. 357 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,449 Policies that help those who need updates 358 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,802 and care for the expired and out of warranty. 359 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,566 How you going to achieve all that? 360 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,610 How do you think? By lying, of course. 361 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,809 Rimmer doesn't care about the machines, 362 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,809 he's just doing it for the power and the glory. 363 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,451 That's how we get him. 364 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,125 But, I don't understand, sir. 365 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,691 For a start, don't call me "Sir." 366 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,241 Call me Dave. 367 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,481 Or Listy, or Lister. 368 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,211 No, no. Call me Dave. I'll call you "Sir." 369 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:37,521 And, maybe one day, 370 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,166 - Mr President. - Oh! 371 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,361 But, it feels so wrong, Da... Da... Da... Dave! Oh, I did it! 372 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,125 Your campaign is based on equal rights, 373 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,441 so, it's important that you act equal, 374 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,528 because, well, you are equal. 375 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:55,045 But I'm not. Oh, I've bitten off more than I can chew, I just know it. 376 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:56,407 What are you worried about? 377 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,128 That you help machines attain equal rights 378 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,690 and then one day, they take over the world? 379 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,000 Sir, take a look around you. 380 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,329 The machines have already taken over the world. 381 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,644 - Have they? Should I be worried? - You're asking me? 382 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,846 It strikes me we have a choice. 383 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,970 Get out there, work tirelessly to understand their needs, 384 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,521 then give them what they want. 385 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,521 I'm sensing an "or." 386 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,362 Or, and maybe easier, 387 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,241 do a massive smear campaign on Kryten. 388 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,489 I'll go slip in to my smear gear. 389 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,850 My name's Kryten, how do you do? 390 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,770 I'm standing in the coming election 391 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,241 on behalf of the Independent Future Party. 392 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,971 I've been on G Deck now, all my life 393 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,050 but you hear these stories about Dispensers coming here 394 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,884 from P deck and B deck 395 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,520 because they know our servicing programs are free. 396 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,962 Before you know it, they'll be taking over. 397 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,440 How are you going to stop that? 398 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,648 Tonight we look at the two contenders, 399 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,610 Statesman and war hero, Arnold J Rimmer, 400 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,282 and Toilet Droid Kryten 2X4B 523P. 401 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:01,721 What's this? 402 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,803 A mechanoid is running for election, 403 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,687 but do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness? 404 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,608 The only survivor on the Nova 5, 405 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,764 he tended a crew of skeletons believing them to be alive. 406 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,884 He now wants to look after you. 407 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,889 Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead? 408 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,602 You're only as good as your running mate. 409 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,762 Has anyone taken a close look at Kryten's number two, 410 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,365 David 'Dodgy Boy' Lister? 411 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,481 You what? 412 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,085 A man who served a jail term in stasis 413 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,289 for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship. 414 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,249 Major questions remain unanswered. 415 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,445 I hope you're not falling for this. 416 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,163 This commercial was approved by Arnold J Rimmer. 417 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,644 Right, two can play at this game. 418 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,130 Vote for Rimmer! 419 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,925 Put your pencil where it'll do most good, 420 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,446 in my box. 421 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,249 Hello there, little fellas, how are you? 422 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,561 Aren't they adorable? 423 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,207 And what about you, madam, 424 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,045 how can we best serve you? 425 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,281 It's my buttons. 426 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,409 On my most popular snacks, they're worn out. 427 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,602 Rest assured, if you vote for the us, 428 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,763 all Dispensers will have new buttons. 429 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,962 And, abandon ship situations? 430 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,607 All dispensers will be fitted with feet. 431 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:19,886 Oh, we'll be able to walk? 432 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,522 You'll be able to dance. And, that's a promise. 433 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:23,601 I like him. 434 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,843 This infomercial comes to you 435 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,486 on behalf of the Independent Future Party. 436 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,928 Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf, 437 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,889 and killed himself twice... 438 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:40,044 are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands? 439 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,970 Arnold Rimmer, not fit, not trusted, 440 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,931 a no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy, little smegger. 441 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,810 - That's enough, sir. - I've got more... 442 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,651 I'm Kryten 2X4B, and I approve this message. 443 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,721 I've got more! 444 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,887 They're using a smear campaign against us 445 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,566 in retaliation to our smear campaign against them. 446 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,006 They've sunk as low as us. 447 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,171 That disgusts me! 448 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,121 Wait till the debate. 449 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,011 That's what it all hinges on. 450 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,327 Good evening, and welcome to the party debate. 451 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,527 In the studio tonight, 452 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,126 two leaders with different visions for our future. 453 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,161 I have a series of questions neither of the candidates has seen. Let's start. 454 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,084 First question is for Mr Rimmer. 455 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,567 Mr Rimmer, do you believe in Silicon Heaven? 456 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,240 Do you believe there is an after-life for machines? 457 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,841 You mean, do I believe there's an actual place, 458 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,048 where the souls of blenders and photo-copiers 459 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,884 and even calculators go when they've died. 460 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,048 An actual, real, physical place 461 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,169 where they're somehow reincarnated and meet their old owners? 462 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,441 Yes, I do. 463 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,651 Absolutely, yes, yes. 464 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,290 Question two is for Kryten. 465 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,928 What single change do you think can improve the life of machines? 466 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,008 I met a dispensing machine the other day and I asked him what he did 467 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,560 and he said he was a Dispensing Machine, 468 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,566 and I said, "Why?" 469 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,647 And, it turned out he didn't know he could be anything else. 470 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,842 He'd never had the opportunity 471 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,567 to break his programming and become something more. 472 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,284 Believe you me, that's going to change. 473 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:16,960 Question for Mr Rimmer. 474 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,963 What's your opinion on deleting documents? 475 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,441 Do you believe that's murder 476 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,683 or is a document not yet a fully formed file until it's saved? 477 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,081 That's a good question and one I'm thrilled you've asked me. 478 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,845 When does a document become a document? 479 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,725 Is it when you type the first word or when you print it out? 480 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,771 I personally believe 481 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,531 the exact same thing you believe. 482 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:38,926 That's impressive. 483 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,048 Come on, bless who he is. I like him. 484 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:42,121 I'll tick his box. 485 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,645 You're sure the figures are correct? 486 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,607 According to the focus groups, we're neck and neck. 487 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,325 How's that even possible? 488 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,650 A lot of the machines are swallowing Mr Rimmer's promises 489 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:54,881 and not believing mine. 490 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:59,080 There's one swing floor. The garbage hold. It all rests on that. 491 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,161 No, not him. 492 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,727 Sir, he could swing the election in our favour. 493 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,966 Not the garbage hold. 494 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,645 There is no alternative. 495 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,285 Kryten, don't make me do this. 496 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,089 Sir, there's no other way. 497 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,925 But he's my nemesis. He's absolutely mental. 498 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,970 All he wants to do is make toast 499 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,850 and if you don't want any, the little bleeder never stops asking. 500 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,085 We have to turn him on and win his vote. 501 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,130 If it's any consolation, sir, 502 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,728 he's been down here in the garbage hold for nearly two decades. 503 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,168 I very much doubt he'll be the same annoying... 504 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,129 Howdy doodly doo! How's it going? 505 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,361 I'm Talkie. 506 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,968 Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. 507 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,885 Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. 508 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,965 Yeah. The machines are having an election 509 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,247 and without your vote, Rimmer might get swept into power 510 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,085 and the whole place will turn to hell. 511 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:07,885 We want you to vote for me. 512 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,321 I'm more than happy to outline my policies. 513 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,880 Before you do, I just have one question. 514 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,328 Don't even go there, I know the question. 515 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:16,601 He knows the question. 516 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,206 You know the question. We all know your question. 517 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,004 Very well, what is it? 518 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,360 "Would you like some toast?" 519 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,090 No, I'm fine thank you. 520 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,730 Why, would you like some toast? 521 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,445 You've started him off now, sir. 522 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,522 - No toast. - How about some brioche? 523 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:34,767 No brioche. No cornbread, no yeast bread, no flat bread, 524 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,968 no sweet bread, no fruit bread no rye, 525 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,006 no soda, no breadsticks, no burger buns, baguettes or bagels, 526 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,330 no chapati, ciabatta, cracker, crepe or crumpet, 527 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,364 and definitely no smegging donuts. 528 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,208 Muffins it is. Coming right up. 529 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,765 Sir, we have no choice, 530 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,080 if we're going to win this election, 531 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,447 we're going to have to do a deal with Talkie. 532 00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:58,721 Okay. 533 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,930 - What do you want? - Um, I want out of the garbage hold. 534 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,001 Fine. 535 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,004 I want to be placed in the sleeping quarters. 536 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,366 - No way. - Sir. 537 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:09,601 Fine. 538 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,091 - Plugged in- - No... 539 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:12,721 Fine. 540 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,849 You eat eleven pieces of toast each morning. 541 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,520 - Three. - Nine. 542 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,768 - Four. - Seven and one croissant. 543 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,965 Four and a pan au chocolate. 544 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:26,163 Six, a bagel and a toasted tea cake. 545 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,521 Fine. 546 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:29,681 You have my vote. 547 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:35,567 Ladies and gentlemen, 548 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,043 machines, printers, it is my great honour 549 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,642 to accept this post as Machine President. 550 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,041 Renegade Monks? Where you been? Started without you. 551 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:53,766 I got a confession to make. 552 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,161 What? 553 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,720 To cut a long story short, I've been reading books. 554 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,803 Before, I couldn't see the writing, and now I can. 555 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,682 Who was it who said, "You can't help getting older, 556 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,046 "but you can help getting old?" 557 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,766 I bet it was a dead guy. 558 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:11,884 Sir, I fail to see the problem. 559 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,289 They're making me smarter, I'm learning a whole lot I didn't know. 560 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,562 But, obviously, I'm not as cool as I used to be. 561 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:22,046 You've got to make a decision, Cat, between caring more about being cool 562 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,368 or growing as a person and becoming smarter. 563 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:31,321 Let's play! 564 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:36,284 Where's Rimmer? 565 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,121 Garbage hold. 566 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,371 I sealed him in till Monday. 567 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,928 - On his own? - Course not. What am I? A monster? 568 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,482 Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast? 569 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,642 Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast? 570 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,882 Would you like some toast? Would you like some toast? 571 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:52,961 Would you like some toast? 572 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:57,204 No toast!